Domestic Violence: Know the signs of a healthy relationship

Actor and activist, Victor (Rivas) Rivers, presented his unique and moving perspective on domestic violence, based on personal experience, during an event held at the Major General James L. Day Conference Center aboard Marine Corps Logistics Base Barstow, Calif., Oct. 4.

   “A true macho, a real manly man, is a man who joins in the movement to end violence against women and children, and who sets an example for little boys and younger men, and will stand to protect and respect all women,” Rivers said. “I play a lot of violent individuals on screen. Of course, doing what we do in the movies is that of make-believe… we have a script to follow, and a director to gauge the action and violence and to yell ‘CUT’ when it’s over. To the victims and survivors of domestic violence and child abuse, it’s not make-believe.”

   Whether it’s physical, psychological, emotional, sexual abuse, it is real. It is terrifying and it’s scarring, he explained.

   “All too often there is no one there to yell ‘cut’ or ‘cut it out!” before it’s too late,” Rivers said.

   Rivers was invited to discuss this particular topic because he was raised in a home with an extremely violent father, who horrifically abused his mother, himself and his siblings. He related one story of his mother toting laundry to the laundry-mat and collapsing in the street from exhaustion and injuries she had suffered at the hands of his father. Several years later his father left her at a hotel room and fled with Rivers and his siblings to Miami where their mother eventually found them and was awarded a divorce. Speaking of himself in the third person, Rivers related a story about a little boy he once knew.

   “This little boy walks into a police department, and he took off all of his clothes in front of a room full of police officers,” Rivers continued. “And as that boy stood there naked, the officers were horrified that the boy was covered in bruises, welts and burns. He told the officers ‘hey, my father is doing this to me, my siblings, my mom,’ and he pleaded with them. He said ‘please go to my house and arrest him and get him out of there for good.’”

   The police not only failed to take any action, but instead offered to let Rivers sign a complaint and give him a ride back home. He pleaded with police stating that if they did not help, that once they left it would get worse.

   “The police said it was a private family matter,” Rivers said.

   “A Private Family Matter” later became the title of his book which he wrote in 2006. He credits the love and compassion of people he calls his angels, for his ability to obtain an education, and slowly piece his life and his self-esteem back together. As he married and became a father, he eventually learned about forgiveness.

   “In my life, the way that I demonstrate forgiveness is this,” he said, “My father’s behavior is not allowed in my home, and it is a place of peace.”

   Rivers highlighted the importance of an African Masai tribe tradition, in which even the most fierce warriors, whether they have children or not, greet one another with the phrase “Casserian Engeri,” which translates to “How are the children?” Again, whether or not the warriors had children, their response was always “All the children are well.” The meaning, he reflected, was that the Masai people prioritized protecting the young and powerless.

   Throughout the month of October, Col. Craig C. Clemans, commanding officer, and the Behavioral Health team, have designed a series of events not just to highlight the importance of preventing domestic violence, but of recognizing the importance and meaning of healthy relationships. 

   “One concern for people either experiencing or trying to prevent domestic violence is whether they have access to mental health resources,” said James Maher, Behavioral Health Section head. “On this base, there are several points of access for mental health, and it all starts with the Behavioral Health Section located in building 17.”

   “We have a ‘no wrong door’ policy here, said Debra Wood, victim advocate with Behavioral Health. “If someone comes in here for help, we don’t turn them away. They may need financial assistance, and we will refer them to the correct party for that need, but we will also help them with the other issues connected to that such as emotions, and handling stress.”

   The entire Behavioral Health team has a proactive drive to provide education and training before people have issues, so that people can thrive.

   “The best way to end domestic violence is to prevent it,” said Angelica Benavidez, Prevention and Education specialist and Victim Advocate with Behavioral Health. “One of the ways we can help prevent it, is by educating people on how to recognize healthy people, healthy relationships, and then how to maintain those healthy relationships.”

   “We have several programs here in Behavioral Health, such as the Community Counseling Program, Family Advocacy, FOCUS, and more which could really help people develop great skills ahead of time, rather than waiting until tensions have escalated,” said Benavidez. “A lot of the services we have to offer are meant to ensure that the tension is minimized because the people have learned to communicate. The more you learn, the easier it’s going to make your relationship for both parties.”

   She encourages couples to come in for their Marriage Enrichment courses and learning Resiliency for couples just to minimize and learn to collaborate, so both parties win. They can teach people how to work through a relationship as a team.

   “Going to Anger Management training doesn’t have to be punishment, it can be just good education,” said Carla Torres, New Parent Support Program coordinator and licensed clinician.

   Through the training offered at Behavioral Health, people can proactively build skills so that they are better equipped to build and maintain those healthy relationships.

   “A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, trust, no violence, and healthy boundaries,” Maher said. “They demonstrate equal decision making in matters such as finances, vacations, and parenting. It takes time to build trust and that happens when partners do what they say they will do, and following through on promises. Healthy partners recognize the strengths in one another, and encourage one another to grow.”

   Through the extensive programs and courses available at Behavioral Health, families and individuals can build skill sets to best recognize and embrace those healthy behaviors.